really, when do we stop being the best friend and start being our own leading ladies?

Sometimes kitschy movies are just that, kitschy....but sometimes they speak some truth to our starving hearts. Tonight, the movie "the holiday" brought to my attention that i have been living the life of the best friend, not the leading lady.... the victim of love. the one that always ends up in love with someone who doesn't love her back. i've never been the leading lady...i've never been treated like a lady in a relationship. Not that gals need to be treated like lace or anything...that's far from what I mean. I just mean that ..well...when the old fashioned traditions went out the window along with women actually acting like ladies, men stopped treating us like ladies and started treating us like more of a source of headaches and sex...and we love movies like this because they remind us of a time when women were treated like something to be adored and were a source of adoration.

or maybe the movies just glorified that and women have always been playthings for men. either way, there has to be at least one good man standing.

hopeless to change the world

Ever met someone that has a completely different view of life and the world that you're used to? Or maybe I am the one that has the different view. I feel that people are generally good, though there are many many selfish folks out there, a lot of it depends on the people you get close to in life and who you let into your little circle. How do I explain what I mean... let's see.. when his closest friends screw him over or blow him off he gets angry, rants about it to everyone around him for a week and then forgets about the problem and becomes best friends again because he just thinks that's how people are, they screw each other over sometimes and help each other out sometimes... because he's never really had the kind of true, patient, loving friends that I've had...in fact he thinks that anyone that is such a good friend with me must want something. How can you live like that? assuming that everyone is out to get something from you and you can't trust anyone? how do you become that type of person? he thinks that i've had a powder puff life because I think the way i do, but i've been screwed over a few times too... i've learned lessons and i've become a good judge of charactar. ..and when something happens i dont sulk over it to the point that i say i hate life and everyone in it. I accept that is just what happens sometimes and I move on...and make a mental note not to let that happen again. It doesn't cause a grudge against humanity. But I think the problem is that he has only been around people that are...well...in this life only for themselves so he feels that everyone is that way...but when he sees some of my friends and calls them dorks or hippies or whatever, he doesn't understand that I don't judge or label them as anything other than human beings... and that maybe they seem like misfits to him just because they don't know much about wine and food and pretending to be classy. but the are real, genuine... less than half of those "classy" people have true class... because true class also involves respect for others and the ability to be genuine.

so i guess what i am trying to say to myself here is that he assumes that everyone is bad and has bad intentions even if they are different type of person than he considers his "friends" to be... how do you get past that?

...and yet he still lets certain people walk all over him because he feels it's his cultural duty out of promises made and broken... his ex wife calls him gay and he still buys her a laptop computer, pays the mortgage on the house, repairs her car... pretty much she lives for free and works for a guy that is fucking her brains out on all of those overnight trips he takes her on.. must be the life for the princess... have your ex completely support you while you have sex with whoever you want then laugh at him behind his back... you put yourself in these situations mister, you've got nobody to complain to until you figure out how to stand up for yourself.

so then, how do you make someone understand life... is it impossible to show someone how their life looks from an outside perspective? i wish someone would tell me how mine looks from an outside perspective... thing is i don't even have friends anymore because i got so involved in his life and this job.... there's no room for anything else. who am i anymore? maybe i should get back to focus on that instead of worrying about his problems...because ultimately he is the only one that can fix himself...and he has to be ready to do it.

we are all busted stuffs

He stared at me from the driver's seat for a moment before he asked me the same question he's been asking me for two years now...."Who are you?". I used to have a standard answer for that question...usually involving various quotes about how who we are changes every day, with every person we meet, and how our lives shape us, magazines, television, people we meet and look up to or look down to, etc, etc. I would spout out random things about the music I like, the books and poetry I like... I would say how I've loved yoga since I was 16 (which is true even though I guess I am a fake since I never make time for it). When I look back now I think that I used to be a happy-go-lucky kind of girl that moves with the wind and take a moment at a time...but I really don't think I was ever that person. I think it's just how I wanted everyone to see me because that's who I wanted to be. The peaceful yoga girl that is always smiling, has a quirky reply for everything, understands life, and is happy just the way she is.

I would like to drink tea instead of coffee, I would like to be disciplined enough to have full control of my emotions. I would like to not be a catty girl that complains because she is insecure. I would like to get to the bottom of me. I would like to feel that I am as beautiful as everyone says I am. I would like to have everything under control all of the time...but that's not realistic now, is it...? and when I pretend, well...I'm lying to myself and everyone else.

I'm no angel. We are all busted stuffs...damaged goods... somewhere along the way someone has hurt us or we have hurt ourselves. It's easy to cop out and say again, that I don't want to invest too much emotion in any one thing...or too much faith...or hope...or trust.. but I don't want to be that person and I'm not. I don't want to have to lie about the tumultuous life I've had...I don't want to say that I've always been perfect but I am afraid to say it because I know who I am inside. I know that I have a good soul and a good heart and that above all, I want to love myself and be loved by someone that is capable of loving me as much as I am capable of loving.

We as humans, I guess, want the love that we have to be the true love... we project what we expect from ourselves or what we want from love onto the person that we adore... we set ourselves up for disappointment by expecting too much when if we could only be like trees...bend with the wind and not expect anything from one day to the next.. but who can live without expectations and dreams and hopes? Who can keep from getting depressed that today was good but maybe tomorrow won't be? Who can enjoy the moment's happiness without the thought that a dark cloud could sneak in any second now? I'm no zen monk... I hear you don't have to be though, to live like that..I just haven't figured it out yet I guess.

I think I just need to write and write and rant like this until the truth comes out of me... until I figure out, instead of make up who I am based off who I want to be. I want to observe myself like someone might observe an unruly child and try to figure out what it is that makes me tick so that the next time he asks me that question with that look in his eyes (confused because he loves me and wants to trust me, because he catches glimpses of who he thinks I am every now and then but can't be sure...) ... I wont even have to answer anymore because who I am will be standing right there in front of him...stripped bare of ego and just...simply...me.