we are all busted stuffs

He stared at me from the driver's seat for a moment before he asked me the same question he's been asking me for two years now...."Who are you?". I used to have a standard answer for that question...usually involving various quotes about how who we are changes every day, with every person we meet, and how our lives shape us, magazines, television, people we meet and look up to or look down to, etc, etc. I would spout out random things about the music I like, the books and poetry I like... I would say how I've loved yoga since I was 16 (which is true even though I guess I am a fake since I never make time for it). When I look back now I think that I used to be a happy-go-lucky kind of girl that moves with the wind and take a moment at a time...but I really don't think I was ever that person. I think it's just how I wanted everyone to see me because that's who I wanted to be. The peaceful yoga girl that is always smiling, has a quirky reply for everything, understands life, and is happy just the way she is.

I would like to drink tea instead of coffee, I would like to be disciplined enough to have full control of my emotions. I would like to not be a catty girl that complains because she is insecure. I would like to get to the bottom of me. I would like to feel that I am as beautiful as everyone says I am. I would like to have everything under control all of the time...but that's not realistic now, is it...? and when I pretend, well...I'm lying to myself and everyone else.

I'm no angel. We are all busted stuffs...damaged goods... somewhere along the way someone has hurt us or we have hurt ourselves. It's easy to cop out and say again, that I don't want to invest too much emotion in any one thing...or too much faith...or hope...or trust.. but I don't want to be that person and I'm not. I don't want to have to lie about the tumultuous life I've had...I don't want to say that I've always been perfect but I am afraid to say it because I know who I am inside. I know that I have a good soul and a good heart and that above all, I want to love myself and be loved by someone that is capable of loving me as much as I am capable of loving.

We as humans, I guess, want the love that we have to be the true love... we project what we expect from ourselves or what we want from love onto the person that we adore... we set ourselves up for disappointment by expecting too much when if we could only be like trees...bend with the wind and not expect anything from one day to the next.. but who can live without expectations and dreams and hopes? Who can keep from getting depressed that today was good but maybe tomorrow won't be? Who can enjoy the moment's happiness without the thought that a dark cloud could sneak in any second now? I'm no zen monk... I hear you don't have to be though, to live like that..I just haven't figured it out yet I guess.

I think I just need to write and write and rant like this until the truth comes out of me... until I figure out, instead of make up who I am based off who I want to be. I want to observe myself like someone might observe an unruly child and try to figure out what it is that makes me tick so that the next time he asks me that question with that look in his eyes (confused because he loves me and wants to trust me, because he catches glimpses of who he thinks I am every now and then but can't be sure...) ... I wont even have to answer anymore because who I am will be standing right there in front of him...stripped bare of ego and just...simply...me.